TAPE SOLELY HOLDING UP BALTIMORE BRIDGE, ARCHITECTS NEW PLAN AFTER BOAT CRASH

After countless efforts to rebuild the Baltimore Bridge after the cargo boat crash in 2023, leaving 5 dead, architects rushed to rebuild the bridge. They had many ideas, but traffic was backing up, and they had to think fast. President elect Cheeto Trump suggested to the Baltimore City Council that they permanently use blue tape to hold up the bridge. The proposition was passed in Baltimore’s 2024 election, and so the plan was in motion. Many residents of Baltimore are in shock with the decision, and others are utterly confused. “How is it even possible for rolls of tape to hold up a large bridge?!” Baltimore resident Harold Steiner on the matter. This controversial decision has led to many city-wide panics and controversy across the city. “It was really the only option we could think of at the time,” said Bridge Director Henry Smith. “The tape will hold up for now.” Many people outside Baltimore have started to notice the drastic change to the bridge, and many have responded quite positively. Vice President elect J.D. Vance says, “I hope it’s okay that I took a roll off of the bridge.” It is definitely not okay. New York resident Bill Cipher says, “It’s really cool to see that Baltimore has the only tape bridge in the world! I wish New York had one.” No Bill, you don't.